It’s been a while. It’s been a long while. The Christmas tree has resurrected, summer is awakening from hibernation, and New Year’s will bring about that cliche “this year will be different” bullshit. For the first time though, I think it might be.
This past month has been a concoction of happenings. I finished university, I travelled to Fiji, I began a postgraduate full-time job, I was confronted with an opportunity that had the potential to change everything, and I stopped writing. I hate that I did that last thing. I filter all that I am through the words that appear to me, and because I stopped writing them down, I became a little lost. In saying that, I think that sometimes it’s okay to be lost. If you only exist in content, how will you ever gain an appreciation of that contentment?
All philosophical musings aside, I have shed yet another version of myself. The first was infancy and this one just been was studenthood. Being able to recognise my own growth is a bit peculiar. I remember watching films as a child, the ones where they would capture the entire life of a character, from birth to death, in only an hour or two. Birth I could conceive, but anything beyond my 11-year old self who was watching? Alien.
Well now I understand. I was conscious of this growth, and perhaps now I will be conscious of all my growth to come. Is this why some adults wish to strip themselves of adulthood? Because adulthood brings about consciousness, whereas in childhood you can remain blissfully ignorant? Then again, maybe adults just sometimes don’t want to be adults because doing your own washing is boring as fuck.
Whatever the truth may be, I think I’m finally ready for it. I’ve spent so much of my time existing within the ‘what could’ve beens’ and ‘what should’ve beens’, instead of paying heed to ‘what is’. No more of that. I’m throwing it out the window along with my flatting career (I’m done with communal living. Like seriously. 10/10 would not recommend… unless you’re into the gradual degradation of your mind, body and soul).
So what is the ‘what is’ right now? A job that I can exist within as me, a boyfriend whom I love, a move-out date from this hell (a.k.a. my flat) that’s in reach (I may be in the midst of adulthood, but I’m still dramatic af), and of course… Christmas! Okay… admittedly I’m quite the Grinch when it comes to Christmas, but can you blame me when decorations went up in my local mall at the beginning of October? That’s capitalism for you.